Missing a Loved One This Holiday Season
Stores are overcrowded with overly marked decorations, gift ideas and toys. Pinterest posts are rising with holiday ideas. Your friends are asking you what color table runner or centerpiece they should do as they dress the dinner table with all of the things that seem to make them happy or cheerful inside. You’re looking for a similar happiness and a similar cheer this holiday, but for some reason there’s nothing you can do that seems to lift you out of that dark pit that you find yourself in. Is this you? This is definitely me.
I’m loving all the beautiful tips and decor ideas, but I don’t have the care to give to do it myself. Not because I’m lazy. Not because I don’t want to, but it’s nearly because I can’t. As I sat in the bathroom (don’t mind the place this is usually where everything goes down, from praying to crying), I started to recollect the memories I had of my mother. As I looked at how my nail is growing on my pinky, I sort of chuckled to myself because I have her hands. I smiled for a moment and then I instantly went dark. I started realizing that she really will never be with me in the flesh again. The last moment I saw her hands was when she laid in her hospital bed lifeless with no knowledge that her family were just tasked with making the decision on rather to pull the plug or be selfish enough to let her stay. We were selfish. We didn’t make a decision, and for some reason it seems like both my mom and God knew that. They knew that as a family we all needed a piece of her with us. We needed that comfort to visit the hospital room seeing her, holding her hand, talking with her even if there was no response. That was reassuring that everything would be okay. That was some sort of affirmation. Recalling as the doctor presented us with the information, I think we all agreed without saying a word that we didn’t have it within us to make the decision. Moments later, machines started going flat and the room was in pure chaos. Doctors and nurses doing all they could to resuscitate her and it happens, the scream of fear hit my Granny. “STOP”, in tears and agony, she yelled. She just wanted them to stop. I remember my younger sister who was only 12 at the time vomiting from the experience and running from the room. Reviving someone looks so much more painful than any brutal experience I’ve ever witnessed. The pressure placed on my mom’s chest as the man performed CPR looked painful. Who were we to intervene with what God has? Who were we to selfishly let her live in a state of more pain on top of the pain that she was already experiencing from the cancer in her body? She always told us to never allow her to live in a vegetable state. Even her paperwork said DNR, but we needed her we wanted her. After all the chaos my older sister grabbing and tugging at my shirt asking me what are we going to do without her? I was only 20, I had no idea how to answer that question. We were all so young and it seemed like we were being left to figure life out for ourselves.
Life was different from that moment on. Life is different. Holidays are not the same knowing that she’s gone. When my children point to her picture asking will they ever see her, it stings. I don’t ever know how to answer them. I give what I think is a warm smile and just tell them to be patient, she’ll come to you when you’re sleeping.
The best thing for me during this time is to try to pick myself up. I don’t go above and beyond with the decor or getting dressed fancy, because that’s not my definition of self care or a pick me up, but it could work for you so don’t let the idea go if you’re into that stuff. The best thing for me is to try and enjoy the people that are still with me. Look at life as a blessing that I am here. I am healthy and I am able. I am mentally, spiritually and physically able to make choices and decisions for myself. I have the breath of life and with every one I take, I try to fill my heart with gratitude. Being emotionally exhausted this season is more than common amongst so many, but we have to make sure that we aren’t allowing our emotions to win. As we know, emotions are temporary. You’ll feel one way one moment and another the next. Here are my tips for missing a loved one this season:
Look at family photos. Sometimes it may seem like we can’t get past the memory of losing the person we love without a little help. Pictures help us recall memories of better times. You may cry, but the tears are different and the feeling is a little different.
Hug someone. Hugs are relaxing, they help your blood circulate and release endorphins
Pray, this probably should’ve been the first tip, but God is still working on me so pray for me as I pray for you
Keep people around you. It’s easy to think that we have to be solely responsible for ourselves. While this is somewhat true, in some of our vulnerable states, we really need people around, and community is important no matter what state of life you’re in.
Give something (time, money, a donation) Giving makes us feel better. I strongly believe that’s why the saying goes it is better to give than to receive.
Talk to someone who’s close to you. Let them know that you just want them to listen.
Plan a therapy appointment.
There are many things that can be done to help us during this season. If you have any ideas, please, leave them below in the comments so that we can all find healing during a time that’s meant to be filled with cheer. If you’re struggling with the holidays, please feel free to connect with me. I am happy to give my love and a listening ear or shoulder, because we all need empathy. Happy holidays! Peace. Love. Blessings.